recounting loss

The last time I wrote, I wasn't able to emotionally divulge the painful trial our family was walking through. I became pregnant last July and in August I miscarried. I've had friends who've gone through this type of loss and I had always tried to imagine what they might be feeling. As I have come to understand now, it brings out every emotion imaginable - shock, sadness, anger and it is unbearable to go through it alone.

Despite all the pain, I was eager to try again to become pregnant. We conceived again in October and I was so excited! So excited that little E would have a sibling. It was also very exciting, as tons of my friends were announcing their pregnancies as well. How fun, everyone being pregnant together & having little ones the same age.

This time round, I became very sick with morning sickness, unable to get out of bed some days. My first appointment to check on the baby wasn't until nine weeks and at that point I was pretty miserable. When they did the ultrasound, the baby appeared to only be 6.5 weeks in size. They waited a week and then did another ultrasound... same thing. The midwife then told us they believed I had had a missed miscarriage. Essentially the baby stopped developing, but had not passed yet. WHAT! AGAIN! I can't go through this again! Despite everything inside of me screaming - NO, I did a good job of holding on to all my emotions and managed not to really break down until I was alone at home. The loss seemed to hurt deeper than before. I'm not going to begin to try to unpack all the emotions that I went through for the weeks that followed, but I will say this - God was right there, in the brokenness, HE held me, comforted me and held my family together... when everything about the experience, was pulling us apart.

So, I guess this is the part in my story that was keeping me from blogging... even blogging the good stuff in my life. Well, its out there now. I know this is not the end of the story. Our desire is still to have a another child. So we hope and pray and wait.


Comments

Libby Farris said…
Katie,

I am so sorry for your and Peter's loss. The anniversary of my miscarriage has just passed. It is very painful, something I never really knew or understood until it happened to me. I wish I had known because I would have been there to cry with you as I still somethimes do. If you are having a bad day, please call me. Mine are becoming even fewer, but they still sneak in every now and then. I am so glad that you are hopeful in getting pregnant again, and I wish you all the best with that.
April 24, 2010 at 2:21 PM
Coffman Family said…
Praying for you, friend.
April 25, 2010 at 7:32 PM
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